August 2001/Strange Tramps Seen All Over Liberty City

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Strange Tramps Seen All Over Liberty City

By Irene Kelly, Liberty Tree News Bureau

August 15th 2001 4:30pm EST

Taken near moments before this gruesome beggar
attacked an innocent Liberty Tree staff photog

For as long as people can remember, usually 5 or 6 years after they were born, barring major neurological problems, the hobo has been a much welcomed part of Liberty City life. The old bum, down on his luck with a sad sob story to tell anyone who's going to listen, has gladdened hearts and quickened steps for years. Be it in freezing winter or boiling summer, these happy vagrants know a thing or two about surviving and smiling through the pain. These street folks, buskers, beggars, and bums the lot of them are as much a part of Liberty City life as cross fire or corrupt police officers. And like stray bullets tearing into innocent people and government officials fattening their meager salaries with kick backs and payoffs from the mob and the drug cartels, we've all learned to love them and accept them for what they are; the things which make Liberty City the vibrant, fun-filled place we all know and love. The town that is officially "America's Best Kept Secret" and a darn sight better than Pittsburgh.

Until recently, we all believed that all you had to fear from these street folk was a case of scabies or a nasty smell as they drunk their days away reveling in the pleasures and pains of being someone with no fixed abode. We've all envied their freedom - to do what they want (apart from wash, of course!), which seems to mainly focus on the drinking of moonshine and to say whatever they like to anyone, and assumed this was just the American Dream in all it's majesty. Different strokes for different folks. Until now.

The Liberty Tree can exclusively reveal all is not as it seems in the street communities of Liberty City. These vagrants are not happy and they are not the innocent dipsomaniacs we all once gave them credit for. Oh no. Police reports increasingly point to lunatics on the streets, terrifying innocent people and fighting and demanding justice. But they don't know what's caused this rise in problems between those who have and those who have not, apart from body odor. One theory is that tramps are layabouts who don't deserve any respect anyway, have brought it on themselves and don't deserve any sympathy; and while that theory is very popular in America generally, our EXCLUSIVE investigation reveals darker forces than mere consumer capitalism are at work in our town.

A spate of illegal distilleries have been discovered, pushing an evil filth called 'Boomshine' - a toxic wasteground of a drink so strong it is believed to have driven large portions of Liberty City's homeless community completely insane, with terrifying results.

One respectable person said, "The tramps have gone insane. And they don't even pay taxes! It is a city-wide disgrace!" Another said, "I was walking my dog, and a tramp tried to eat it! Luckily, I kicked the offending vagrant thirty or forty times, so I think he learnt his lesson. I doubt he'll attack an innocent dog again." Here at the Liberty Tree we've received 3 or 4 calls from people with similar stories. All we can say to respectable people is: "Think twice before giving that quarter. These maniacs are out to get all of us!"

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